Stress is a big subject these days. 

There are lots of books, seminars (like mine) that attempt to teach people to understand, recognize and manage their stress.  It's "big business" because  everybody is stressed over this and that.  The fact is that in our fast-paced work-a-day world, where there seems to be a never ending parade of things to deal with, it seems sometimes that we are all overwhelmed by stress to some point.

But you don’t have to be a victim of circumstances. You can TAKE CHARGE of situations before they get take charge of you.  All you need is a little understanding of HOW to deal with stress head-on.

There are two recognized mechanisms we use to cope with stress.  One is Defensive Coping and the other is Active Coping.  Defensive Coping is the one we are most familiar with.  It employs such things as aggression, anger, withdrawal, fantasy, and even substance abuse to escape the pressure of life. 

Defensive coping is inadequate because it doesn’t deal with stress in a constructive and effective way.  The way to properly deal with the stress of life is to ACTIVELY cope with it.

ACTIVE COPING

Actively coping with stress involves taking responsibility for one's own life and actions instead of feeling at the mercy of fate, chance, luck or destiny. Instead of using aggression, regression, withdrawal, denial, repression, displacement and rationalization to cope, rather than use self-deception, we ACTIVELY and FIRMLY address and deal with the stresses in our life. If we are unhappy with our life and the things that are happening to us then we have to take charge of our life in order to change our life.

WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU?

There are two kinds of people in this world. EXTERNALIZERS and INTERNALIZERS. What determines which one we are is how we assign or accept the responsibility for the things that happen in our life. If we live on the basis of chance or luck as the controlling factor, then we are an externalizer. If you live your life according to your horoscope or "Cleo", you are an externalizer. If on the other hand you believe that success in life is based on hard work and practice and you are not at the mercy of fate, then you are an internalizer.

Why would it be better to be an internalizer than an externalizer? Simple. If you think success in life is dependent on the stars or good luck you’ll find life a struggle. Or if you base how you feel on whether you are having a "bad day" or a "good day", then you will find your emotions to be always dependent on "external circumstances."

If you want to know the truth there are really aren’t any good days or bad days. The Sun rises and falls, and the same things happen day after day.  It’s not in the circumstances that we find “Nirvana”, it is all in how we perceive the situations in life, not how the situations in life perceive us. True there are less desirable things that happen on some days. But in they don't have to determine our feelings - we do that.

Can anything really make us feel sad or happy?  When we say, "They made me angry!"  Did they?  No, that only comes from inside us.  Happiness is actually a choice and so is sadness.  What we have to decide  is, are we to let situations control us, or are WE determined to be in control of them? Do you want to be ruled by events? Or do you want to rule OVER events. The choice is yours! 

As a wise old seer wrote long ago:

"Our minds are moved not by events, but by our judgments"

-Epictetus

It takes practice and the ability to take charge of situations before they take charge of you. Externalizers don't take charge (active coping); they vent, rage and sometimes give up (defensive coping).  When you take the responsibility for your own fate and you  stop blaming people, places and things for your problems, you begin to take control of your life. 

When you do this you can begin to actively cope with the stresses in your life.  The stresses or pressures will always be there, but by exercising control over your life and take responsibility when applicable, you will find it a much smoother journey.

But if you have been an externalizer your whole life it isn't easy to change.  But you can do it.  It  begins with a change of thinking.  They way you look at things.

Control those Catastrophizing Thoughts !

If there is anything that can add to the stress of any situation it's making a mountain out of a molehill. Have you ever had difficulty with the first item on a test and absolutely convinced you will flunk? How about when you have a hard time with your spouse in the morning and become convinced that the whole day is blown? If so you have practiced catastrophic thinking.

Catastrophic thinking is subjective thinking gone extreme. For instance, remember the last time you had a toothache? Sure, it hurt, and you let everyone know it too. Yet the more you thought about it the more it hurt. This is catastrophic thinking. The pain is there, but you probably used "self-talk" something along these lines:

"I can't stand this pain any more", "My head is coming off", "I'm going to die from this pain".

This kind of talk is typical if you are thinking thoughts beyond the reality of the situation.

Physically your alarm system is already in gear. The adrenaline is surging, your heart is racing, or at least beating faster than normal. Your respiration is increasing to keep up with the increased blood flow. Yet at the same time your muscles are tensing causing those fingers to move more slowly on the keyboard.

In addition your blood pressure is increased and its flow is slow because of coagulation as the blood shifts away from the skin to protect against injury.

If you can identify one thing that people get sick with more often it is headaches. Some doctors believe that at least the effects of the alarm reaction cause some headaches, especially when it is sustained over a long period of time without adjustment.

Its even worse if you add catastrophic thinking to the situation. The mind plays a significant role in the alarm reaction. In other words, by your thinking you can actually increase the impact of the stressor. Thus you can actually increase the reaction you are having!

The way lessen catastrophic thinking is with incompatible thoughts to counter the catastrophic ones. Instead of thinking, "I can't handle this situation!", you can think, "Yes I can, I can handle this situation and I am going to handle it. If I need help I can ask for it, I'm not going to lose control, I'm going to take control!"

Catastrophic thinking is NEGATIVE THINKING. Therefore to counteract a negative thought you have to think positive counter thoughts.

Of course this isn't easy, but you didn't learn to think negative overnight. You've been practicing it all your life! To change a habit takes repetition. The alternative to this should provide the motivation to change the way we think.